Thursday, February 7, 2013

Newlywed road trip: Highway to the Danger Zone

Adding to our cache of experiences newlyweds shouldn't have to undergo, Alex and I freshly completed a cross country move back to California.
Last look at BU COM while zooming toward the highway. The ominous clouds clearly signaled our rocky road. 

Sure, sure, SURE, newlyweds move. They can move across this gigantic, why-on-earth-do-we-have-so-many-damned-states?! country of ours, and into happier, sunnier lands like California. Flock to the west, young lovers, it is mild and blue-skied here.

Just, for the love of whatever god you please, do not drive. Do not talk over the idea of roadtripping from Massachusetts to California and think, "hmm, this could be fun. Yes, we can handle this."

Don't! Just don't. Don't let yourself consider it. You probably can handle it, but that's not the point. Stop rationalizing and begin researching shipping quotes. Buy a whole shipping container if you can. You will thank me later.

Fare thee well, land o'cold & blizzard.

Here is 3400 miles summed into five reasons why you shouldn't roadtrip-move across the country (and why it is not as fun as you think):

1. It is not cheaper than other options.
By the time you pack/throw out/sell/give away/dump all the large items you own (and you NEVER realize how many there are until you must purge them) your hair will be pulled out and lay in heaps on the ground. See? Now you have to buy a weave, and good ones aren't cheap.

2. Roadtrip travel is a great way to see the worst in your partner. 
Yes, sure, a roadtrip is chintzy charming and hands-on fun. But then, you get into day two or three and you hate the car, you curse the highway, you loathe this stupid decision and you can't feel your toes because your legs are irrevocably cramped.
So. Excited. 

3. Driving through time zones is a great way to subject yourself to jetlag but in inexorably slow motion and with longer lasting effects. 
Your body is going to be very, very angry and you will feel terrible. Also, you will be hopelessly dazed every time you stop in a new place because the highway is not really part of society. It's another universe where time and space are mushed up and flattened out and striped.
These are our "happy but numbed by highway" faces

4. This is expensive and makes you look like a hoarder bum.
Unless you ship ALL OF YOUR BELONGINGS you will have to haul them in your car. Get used to unflattering fuel efficiency and car maintenance costs. And, good luck leaving your entire life's belongings out in the open as you decide to wander off and sightsee.

Car, meet the East Bay. You've earned a run through the pastures.
5. The stuff you do pack will break or get lost or get thrown away.
The rest will get piled under layers of fast food garbage or forgotten layers of clothing possibly forever. When you arrive in California you will feel like you need to buy newer, shinier things to keep up with the western Jones' anyhow, so leave all the junk behind. Embrace your inner waste monger.*
I am happy in the sun, I swear. This is a smile. 

*This is not my real sentiment. I despise replacing things unnecessarily. I'm just angry from all the driving. And I miss Boston.